maliemac941

Still having trouble not filling the void with food especially between 4-9 pm.  I know that I am eating becasue of something, feelings most likely and why I can’t just sit with them instead of eating over them is something I am continually trying to figure out.    I am reading a book by Pema Chodron, a Buddhist nun, called Starting where you are and its all about the void that everyone has inside of them and how western society deals with it:  we eat it, be too busy it, shop it….instead of confronting and embracing it at least I think that’s what she’s saying.  Knowing it and doing it are two different things and I am very good at learning, not always so good at actually doing.

Hi all

Twice in one day…oy, vey what a day.  It started off well despite the fact that i had to have my car towed last night and was carless today.  I’m off work this week and so was cleaning my apt. doing laundry and making chicken soup from scratch…and it was snowing.  So, it was fine.  I got news that the car was fixed and so I walked to get it 3 miles in the snow …I’ve walked to town before but never in snow and this was a little further.  So, after I picked up the car I went to the supermarket went in for dish detergent and came out with that and a bag of kisses which I proceeded to eat tonight….all night long while also having soup.  So today’s meals looke something like this:

Breakfast: Light wasa crisp, 1 oz low fat cheddar, apple, coffee

lunch: salad, chicken breast, low fat dressing

dinner:  bowl of soup, skim milk and BAG of KISSES!!!!! Ugh

I now feel sick to my stomach needless to say and ashamed.  On some level I think I felt I deserved those %###@# kisses because of my three mile walk in the snow…or did I just go on autopilot the way I always do?

Thanks for letting me vent.

Its hard to blog when I can’t seem to gain momentum on any type of plan…part of me thinks I shouldn’t even blog here because of my struggling…its the same way I feel when I went to WW meetings and stalled…I would start comparing myself to those still losing and just feel shame and depression and anger at myself..and eventually stop attending meetings … so much of this is a head game and my head justn’t in it.

On a brighter note…its snowing here and that is a beautiful sight to behold…I will take a walk and enjoy the beauty.

Have a great day everyone.

I am having trouble comitting to a weight loss method…been like a ping pong ball for the past two weeks…and would like to know what other methods or programs people are using and what they like about them.

Part of me thinks that unless I can get my head in the right frame of mind I will continue to have trouble sticking to anything.  So much of this process is a mental process and my mindset and motivation just don’t seem to be there.

I would appreciate any ideas from others.

Thanks

Seems like remarks to people who are overweight are the last bastion of prejudice.  Well meaning people have said that my back issues were all weight related and my OBGYN asked if I was exercising at all with a rather hopeless tone in her voice today that really got to me..then I saw myself in the mirror at the gym in a particularly unflattering position and just wanted to kneel over.  Not in the most positive frame of mind and its showing up in my eating.  I just have to remember that I am more than my weight.  Hope others are having a better day than me.

It hit home yesterday as I sat in a doctor’s office because of back spasms and had to say my weight out loud how ashamed I am of myself because of my weight.  I’ve been having back problems in the past couple of years and have always attributed them to poor posture or most recently bad posture on the elipical machine, but in reality I probably wouldn’t have as many issues if I didn’t carry so much extra weight on my body…d(90% of my weight is in the middle

Yesterday I had a bit of pity party for myself because of my back spasms, but this morning I once again accept that I’ve gotten myself into this situation because of the way I use food to comfort myself when any negative emotion arises…I don’t binge when I’m at peace or feeling good about life or myself, but when negative or stressed.

So, for now I just need to keep trying.

Yesterday was not a good day eating wise…and whenever that happens I feel a sense of defeat and I have to remind myself that my eating mistakes are just that mistakes and they are not me…but it always takes me a while to remember that.  What helped me do that today was exercise, snowshoeing again was great: a combination of exhilerating and peaceful which is just what I needed.   Looking inside at why and when I  emotionally overeat is a long and ongoing process..seems I eat mostly on autopilot when I am bored, fearful, anxious or angry…stuffing my feelings instead of feeling them is what I am accustomed to doing…as if food ever solved anything.

It’s great that there are eating plans out there that are healthy and balanced that don’t leave you feeling hungry, but my downfall is eating emotionally when I’m not necessarily hungry.  If I’m having a stressful day I go towards food unquestioningly even though I know in my mind that food doesn’t solve my problems or anxiety about whatever is bothering me.  I have read books on emotional eating but I’m not always successful at stopping myself from eating inappropriately like today…where those cheap Christmas buckets of popcorn were half price and I couldn’t resist…I know food is not the enemy, it is just a symptom of whatever is going on inside of me.  I sit here mad at myself and fear that I’m never going to make progress even though I do have good days like yesterday…well, at least I’m being honest and not lying about it!!

Last night was not one of my better nights to say the least.  I stayed inside all day and watched falling snow and then went out took a short walk which unfortunately ended up at the 7-11 where I purchased a box of pop’ems and proceeded to pop half of the box into my mouth.  Then I threw the rest away in disgust and despair.  However, when I woke up this am I just put last night behind me and concentrated on making this a positive day.  On the postiive side:  exercised by going to the gym and doing a little snow shoeing and ate well today so far.  So, it was a better day and what vexed me so yesterday has subsided today.  Things pass even when we’re swamped by negative emotions…they pass.  Good lesson learned.

Happy New Year!  No resolutions for me, just trying to live my life one day at a time.  I spend so much time regretting the past, worrying about the future and pissing all over today…whether it be with or without food.  Doing good things for my body, mind and spirit every day is so important.   Happy 1st day of 2008 to all.